also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
