You smell like a Billy Joel song
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
