He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
