This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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