I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
