there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
