before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
