so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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