Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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