i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
