Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
