I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
