just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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