Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
