there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
