if only i could text you this smell
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
