There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
