I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
