for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
