No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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