I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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