not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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