hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
