it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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