Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
