I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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