Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
