1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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