my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
