Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
