Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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