Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
sex in a hospital.. check
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
