If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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