So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
