I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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