I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
