I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
