I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
