I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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