I wish my penis had an off switch
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
