i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
