She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
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Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
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He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.