Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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