I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
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I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
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I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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