I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
