i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
