Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
