I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
