if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
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