i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
