I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
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I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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