Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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