My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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