the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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