now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
