i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
