i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
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"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
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Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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