there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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