i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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