Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
